Ira Deorum: Vox Populi Vox Dei
by Irokoi
Summary: After Miranda this old 'Verse starts crumbling like a stale cookie. Mal would not mind that so much, with great danger comes great opportunity, but he's worried about what he and his crew are becoming.
1. Chapter 1

**Ira Deorum: Vox Populi Vox Dei.**

_The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself._

_--John Stuart Mill. _

Malcolm Reynolds, Master of the light freighter _Serenity_, groaned as he forced himself to sit up and put his feet on the cold deck of his bunk.

"Shit, that's cold!" he exclaimed aloud. "I have got to give in and steal a rug for this deck."

He pulled open a drawer beneath his rack and dug out the thickest pair socks he had, quickly pulling them onto his feet.

"Gotta steal some new socks, too."

He pushed the drawer shut and groaned again as he forced his battered but healing body onto its feet. He glanced over at the computer screen and grimaced at the final page of the report he had asked the ship's accounting package for. As usual, the accounting software had been the bearer of bad news. He touched a button on the screen and the computer began work on a flexi-copy of the report. Unlike many, Captain Reynolds almost never bothered with printing a flexi, but he wanted a copy of the report to pass around to his crew. With the possible exception of Simon Tam and his sister, they were a habitually frugal lot, but he wanted all of them to see for themselves that things were extra tight.

The flexi slid up out of slot on his desk by the time he had finished dressing. Pulling on his boots had felt like something Adelai Niska might have dreamed up. Mal found his physical condition particularly exasperating. It had been nearly a month since his struggle with the Operative. The man had given him about as thorough a beating as he had ever had. Better than the beating the prison camp guards on Hera had given him.

"Gorramed Alliance!" Reynolds wanted to spit, but checked himself. Wouldn't make sense, spitting on his own floor. He promised himself that he would spit on some Alliance bastard's shoe to make up for it. Climbing out up the ladder that led out of his bunk was even worse agony than pulling on his boots had been.

"Aiyaa! Ta me da!," Mal shouted in pain as he finally stepped out onto the catwalk leading to the bridge. "Damn, that hurts! Who the hell..."

"No one," River Tam answered his thoughts before he could finish voicing them as he walked toward the bridge, "gravity's still set to one-half gee."

"It feels like two!" Mal exclaimed. "Are you sure?"

River suppressed a giggle while nodding her head. "It'll get better, Captain Daddy."

"Not near soon enough," Mal said with a groan as he sat down in the command seat. "Anything new on the Cortex?"

"Alliance politicians are still busy claiming that they knew nothing about Miranda and that it didn't really happen and that even though it _did_ happen, it wasn't that big of a deal anyway. They're all guilty as hell. Barking like nervous little dogs."

Mal gave out a disgusted snort. "Alliance bastards."

"They won't get away with it this time," River said in confident tones.

"Hmph! I wouldn't be so certain of that, Lil' Albatross. They been pullin' wool and gettin' their way for a long time. Cain't see how they wont get it this time."

River treated her battered captain to a lopsided grin and said, "One-twenty-five to two-fifty. Won't get it this time. They're humped."

"One-twenty...What are you on about, River?"

"That's the range of numbers wedding managers and funeral homes use to plan weddings and funerals," River answered with a smug little smile. "Thirty million people on Miranda. Nearly all of them first and second-gen settlers. Won't be no weddings and the lucky families are planning funeral ceremonies."

"You thinkin' there'll be another rebellion then?"

River nodded her head.

"I'm sittin' this one out."

River gave him one of the best of her unsettling laughs.

"Not gonna be the same as last time," River said in a happy voice. "No uniforms, no armies, no rebel governments. Alliance is going to tear itself apart and you won't sit on the sidelines."

"You think not?" Malcolm said in the voice he used whenever someone called him out.

"I know not," River said. "We got no choice. 'Sides, there's more than one way to skin a cat. It'll be the unseen hand this time. You won't need to sign up with an army. There won't be one this time-- just the wrath of the gods and the voice of the people. We'll be sticking a fork in the Alliance before long. It's almost done."

Malcolm Reynolds clinched his jaw and willed his eyes to stay dry as thought back on himself prior to the War of Independence now over for eight years and twenty lifetimes ago. He had not expected the Alliance to survive for more than a year back when he signed up. He forced a grin out onto his face, but he feared it probably looked like a grimace. "Nothin' wrong with youthful optimism, Lil' Albatross."

"I'm never optimistic, Cap'n Daddy," River replied, giving him a sober stare. "You hurt the Alliance bad in aught six and you just hurt it bad again a few weeks ago. Now it's finally going to die."

"Seems to me like it hurt us more than we did it--both times."

"Siss true," River said, "but it started dying after that fight in Serenity Valley. All it has done since is become sicker and sicker. It's dying now."

Mal's eyes locked onto River's. Her gaze did not waver. He did not doubt that young woman believed every word she was saying. "Guess they made a regular Browncoat out you, didn't they?"

River nodded her head. "Maybe browner than you. Made one out of Simon, too. He just doesn't realize it yet. He's starting to molt."

"Molting!" Malcolm exclaimed. "Is that what you call it?"

"Mm-hmm. Split his shell right down the middle," River replied. "Be easy with him. He's got things to sort out. He's such a soft little boob inside that so-very-proper shell."

"And you have all _your_ stuff sorted out, I gather," Malcolm said in an amused but dubious voice.

"Not all of it," River answered. "We need to rob a bank soon."

Mal could not contain himself at the sudden change of subject and burst out laughing.

"Want to rob an Alliance bank if we can," River said. "Shouldn't hurt the locals if we can help it."

"Well, I conjure that's a fine sentiment, but Alliance banks are a lot harder to rob than banks run by locals," Mal said. "I suppose you've already picked out an Alliance bank you want me to rob?"

River nodded her head. "It'll be easy. We can rob the bank without robbing the bank."

Mal shook his head in confused dismay, but was finding River's ideas to be a source of much needed amusement. "And where exactly is this bank we're gonna rob by not robbing it?"

"Persephone."

Mal gave the idea a serious belly laugh.

"What's so funny?" Zoe asked as she entered the bridge. Her normally relaxed but alert stance was stiff with pain. She still had not recovered from having her back opened up by the Reavers.

"River thinks we ought to rob the Alliance bank on Persephone."

Zoe took in a deep breath and let it out slowly before answering. "Damn right! We ought to have robbed it a dozen times by now, but ought to and can do are two different things."

"We can rob the bank without having to rob the bank," River said, sounding a bit aggravated.

"We can?" Zoe asked. "If we can do that, maybe we should rob all of 'em that way."

River shook her head. "This'll only work once. After we pull this job, they'll wise up."

Zoe and Mal stared at one another in silence for a moment. Zoe cocked an eyebrow at her captain.

Mal pursed his lips and said, "Okay, Lil' Albatross. What have you hit upon that put this buzzy little bee in your pretty fleur bonnet?"

"I don't wear bonnets aboard ship," River answered. "Not enough sun."

Zoe grinned as Mal shook his head. "That's our River, all right."

"We can do this," River said in an insistent voice. "I know we can."

"So show us," Zoe said.

They were still going over the data River had gathered when Jayne's harsh voice came out over the ship's com. "Y'all come eat before I throw this out to the hogs and the passengers!"

"There's a sure sign that old dogs can learn new tricks," Mal muttered.

"He sure has changed," Zoe said.

"Not sure I like it all that much though," Mal replied. "A considerate Jayne is kinda creep-a-fyin' if ya ask me."

"He's still as crude as a boar shoat headed for the feed trough," Zoe said, in a voice that tried to sound as though she was looking on the brighter side of things.

"Papa bear looking after his cubs," River said in her strange matter-of-fact voice, "Doesn't have to be kind, just fierce."

"Mebbe so," Mal said as the three of them made their way to the ship's mess. "Still not sure what to make of it."

"You're paranoid," River said as she punched Malcolm on the arm, "Cap'n Daddy."

Zoe smiled. "I wonder what he'll be like once you find a boyfriend, Little Bit."

"He'll scare them all away," River said with a very distinct pout in her voice. "I won't get to keep one until I find one who can scare _him_."

Mal gave River a fierce grin. "You might die an old maid."

River stuck her tongue out at him as she gave him another punch the arm.

"Ow!" Mal exclaimed. "Hit the other one. That one's still got stitches in it."

Captain Reynolds stood at the head of the table and surveyed his crew. Only River and Inara had escaped their battle with the Reavers and Alliance troops relatively unscathed. All of them them had changed in one way or another. River had come out of it with a new self-assurance that seemed to do her a world of good. She had suffered only one bad spell since they had departed Mister Universe's world, and that was just a nightmare. Jayne, though, had suddenly become gruffly solicitous of everyone in the crew, including Mal, and that worried Mal more than a little. Kaylee had become a lot less bright after the fight and her hands were still shaky. Simon had told Mal that it was the after effects of the drugs the Reavers had darted her with. Malcolm had decided that the good doctor was at least partly right. The drugs had turned out to be hallucinogenic and they really had given Kaylee fits for many days, but he suspected there was a lot more to the harm she had suffered. He was no stranger to battle and he knew that battle always did bad things to people, especially the gentle ones like Kaylee. He had to fight to keep his face dry when he thought of what happened to her.

For all of that, Mal worried that the one who was changed for far the worst was Simon Tam. Clearly the man's confidence was shaken. He seemed bitter and mistrustful of everything, not just people, but everything. Mal had watched him as Simon would check, double-check and then go over everything again before actually committing to carrying out even the most minor of tasks. It was almost as though Simon Tam now doubted existence itself, as though the very fact of being had somehow become questionable.

Simon's face had never been especially expressive, in Mal's experience, at least until Simon came across something that offended him, and there had been a lot out on the Rim that had offended Simon Tam, but this was different. The man's face had taken on a hard cold edge. Their last struggled had toughed their medic into a creepy sumbitch. Simon had not bothered to shave for several weeks and the growing beard had not helped the Doctor's appearance at all as far as Malcolm Reynolds was concerned. He had not said anything to Simon about it. Facial hair had never been one of his bugaboos and Mal had seen more than one of his soldiers suffer through the same phase Simon was suffering through. The doctor would come out of it a different man, but not a man who was as bad as the man who was in his crew right now.

_He'll be wearin' suspenders with a belt if he doesn't sort it out soon_, Mal thought. _I can't blame him too much. Man spent a lifetime thinkin' that his way was the right way. Now he knows it ain't so by many a decimal point. He's got some adjustin' to do. Learnin' to be mistrustful of folk out here on the rim where there's so little in the way of law and order is one thing, but finding out that them holdin' up the law and order are worse than your average criminal is a foul pill to swaller._

Mustering up as much cheer as he could put into his voice, Mal said, "Mornin', everyone!"

"Mornin', Mal," the crew surprised him by answering in chorus. Kaylee even managed to put a little dab of her former sunniness into the smile she flashed at him. River took a seat, but Zoe began loading her plate with the scrambled eggs and Jayne's biscuits.

"Come check on me during mid-watch," Zoe whispered to Inara. Inara answered with a silent nod of her head.

"I'd appreciate it if everyone sticks around for a bit after breakfast," Mal said, as he pulled out his chair and sat down. "I want to make you all aware of the ship's finances and, our dear little albatross, River here, might have found some truly profitable crime for us to commit."

Jayne looked around the table at everyone before saying, "Some work ud be real shiny if everyone was ready. Ship needs fixin' and all of us could use some coin. What'd ja find, Little Bit?"

"Bank job," River answered proudly. "A safe one if we go at it right."

Jayne looked up at Zoe who merely raised an eyebrow and nodded before leaving for the bridge with her plate and a mug full of steaming coffee.

Simon groaned as he rubbed at his eyes with the thumb and forefinger of his left hand. He finished the gesture by pinching the bridge of his nose. "My sister the bank robber."

"Killer, too," River said.

"Just reavers, though," Kaylee said with tearful kind of tightness in her voice. "Killin' reavers is the best thing can be done for them and for us. Nothin' wrong with that."

"What sort of bank?" Inara asked.

"Alliance bank on Persephone," River answered, giving Kaylee a sad smile.

"I'm in," Simon said, shocking everyone at the table, especially Kaylee.

"I don't know if _I_ am," Jayne said. "Most of us is still tryin' to heal up. Little River here is plenty smart when she ain't crazy, but I don't that she's ready to be plannin' no big heists just yet. Ain't got the 'sperience."

Everyone, including Mal, gave Jayne and opened mouth stare.

"As bizarre it seems, I think Jayne might have a couple of good points," Inara said.

"Plan's good, but timing's everything," River said in a voice that suddenly seemed tiny and hurt.

"Lot's of points need talkin' about," Mal said. "Ship does need fixin' and we _are_ low on coin."

Simon sat back in his chair rubbed the bandage across his stomach as he spoke, "We see any purple bellies wearing O-neg tags we need to bring them back to ship alive. Our little blood bank is a bit low on the good stuff."

Jayne gave Simon a hard look. "So, we'd just strap 'em down and drain a pint out of 'em. What we would we do with 'em after that? Give 'em a glass of orange juice and a pat on the head? Give 'em a lollipop and a kiss on the cheek maybe?"

Simon gave Jayne a cold smile and said, "The human body can be be drained completely free of blood in eight-point-six seconds given adequate vacuuming systems."

Jayne and Kaylee gave Simon horrified stares.

"I'm sure Kaylee can help me rig something up with the vacuum pump we keep in the tool crib."

"I'll do no such thing, Simon Tam!" Kaylee exclaimed, now truly angered.

"Damn, Doc!" Jayne added. "I ain't exactly cuddly, but..." Jayne hesitated as he searched for words. "Gorramit that's cold! Sounds like somethin' Niska might do."

"Jayne's right, Doctor," Mal said, still holding a fork loaded with eggs halfway to his mouth. "Comin' from you, idea like that's downright disturbin'."

"I'm sure that's true, Captain," Simon said in a voice dripping with implacable cold, "but then I must confess to having been through some disturbing times here of late. My perspective has changed a little."

"That ain't no call for you to become one of _them_," Mal said in a voice equally frigid. "You'll do no such thing so long as you're on my crew. _Dong ma_?"

Simon's eyes were as hard as diamonds when he answered. "So long as no one on this crew needs the blood, Captain. If one or more of them needs the blood, I'll favor them over anyone else. You can fire me or shoot me afterwards as you see fit."

Mal let his fork drop to his plate, sincerely wishing Shepherd Book were still aboard. He somehow managed to continue holding the Doctor's stare despite the rapidly growing sickness in his stomach. "If one of us needs the blood, fine, but there'll be no killin' anyone, not even a purple belly, just to stock us up with blood."

"Understood, sir."

"And no stealin' of body parts from livin' folk, neither."

"Aye, sir."

"Good. I'm glad we have an understanding on this," Mal said, not quite suppressing a shiver. He forced himself to pick up his fork and take another bite of his breakfast of powdered eggs. There was no further discussion of any kind during the rest of breakfast, save for River complimenting Jayne on the quality of his biscuits. Jayne looked so ridiculously flattered that Mal should have been amused, but he wasn't. The sharp claws of guilt were tearing him to shreds on the inside.

_What have I done?_ his moral conscience asked. _Where will it stop? I have got to turn this around. It's getting out of hand and we'll be lucky if we don't all turn into something as rotten as Badger. Maybe something worse than Badger._

"Jayne?"

"Yes, Mal?" Jayne asked in a voice so respectful that it made Mal wince.

"You still got them punchin' bags I made you put away?"

"Yessir, punchin' bag, speed bag, the works."

"Rig 'em out. I think they might do the Doc here some good."

Simon looked askance at Mal.

"You know you need the exercise and beatin' something resistant is not only good exercise, it's good therapy," Mal explained.

"Oh, really?" Simon asked, his voice dripping with irony. "I didn't realize that you had trained in the field of psychology, Sir."

"Don't get brisk with me, boy," Mal said in an aggravated voice. "I made brevet captain in times that made our little dance with the reavers look like a high school prom. I'm a fair judge of what a man needs and when he needs it."

"Captain's right, Simon," Jayne said. "Workin' with a bag does sooth a man's nerves. 'Specially when he's got call ta be pissed about somethin'."

Mal and Simon both blinked at Jayne's use of the Doctor's given name.

"Gotta promise me that you will always wear gloves, though," Jayne added, oblivious to the affect his attitude was having on everyone at the table. "Can't have you bustin' up them delicate hands. They's too valuable to us."

"Does punching a bag really help that much, Cap'n?" Kaylee asked.

"Seems to help in my experience. Might take a round or two with 'em my ownself."

Kaylee seized Simon's chin with one hand and drug his head around so that she could look him in the eye. "Two hours a day minimum," she said in the tone she usually reserved for deckhands and longshoremen. "Or no trim."

"I...I...uh...How could I refuse such sage advice as that from our Captain?" Simon said in a very uncertain voice. "I look forward to it."

By the time everyone finished eating Mal had decided that the very last thing in the 'verse wanted to talk about was River's proposed bank job, but his crew was having none of it. They wanted to know what River had come up with. There was no stopping them and he knew it. Even Inara seemed enthused, possibly because it was River's idea, he could not be sure, but she was doing all she could to help River draw out her idea. What was really bothersome about it all was that the kid had come with an excellent plan, even if it did require a little help from Badger and his crew. Mal had to admit to himself that it would be truly amusing to go to Badger with a profitable opportunity, rather than begging for one. He wondered what the look on Badger's face would be like. Shock for sure.

He let them gabble over it for the better part of two hours before sending them all off to do the chores needed to keep the ship spaceworthy and livable. With all of them gone, Mal fixed himself a tea-and-brandy toddy. He was too much the stoic to admit it to anyone, but the Operative had done him a lot of harm. Doctor Tam had been annoyed with hims for not simply staying in bed, but there were things about being a leader that the boy would have to learn from example and experience rather than instruction.

Zoe found him sitting in what his crew called the "cuddly", the little sitting area off to one side of the mess. He had made himself another toddy and had placed it on the coffee table while he pulled his boots off.

"Prepping for a nap, Sir?" Zoe asked with half a smile on her lips.

"Yeah, between the pain and this toddy Inara taught me to make, I could use the shut-eye." Mal stretched out on the couch. "You want one? They really do help."

"Can't indulge, Sir. Sorry. I'd love to have one if I could."

"Well why in the hell can't you have one?" Mal asked. "I don't recall you bein' a teetotaler."

"Never was, Sir, but it's the baby."

"Baby?" Mal asked, his relaxing muscles suddenly froze in place.

"Well, I'm pretty sure it's a baby," Zoe said. "Wouldn't do to make him or her into an alkee before it learned to walk."

Mal sat up straight and looked his long-time friend in the eye. "Zoe, you sure about this? We really are gonna have a little Wash runnin' around under foot?"

"I think so, but I haven't talked to the Doctor yet. I wouldn't bet on it bein' a boy, either, though I'm sure that's what Wash would have wanted."

"He'd a been just as happy with little girl and you know it. Mebbe more so."

Zoe gave Mal a sad smile.

"You're hopin' for a little boy! Who woulda believed it?"

Mal got to his feet and gave Zoe a hug. "Go on down there and get our lazy Doctor busy earnin' his pay."

"Aye, aye, Captain."

Mal watched Zoe make her way toward the infirmary breathing a sigh of relief. He sincerely hoped she was pregnant. It would help her shuck her grief and give her piece of Wash to go on with. Could hardly ask for more good news as far as Zoe was concerned.

"It's a boy," River said as she passed through ships mess, making her way aft.

"You think so?" Mal asked.

"I know it," River said over her shoulder. "He's going to be lot like his daddy. Good pilot. I'll teach him."

Malcolm Reynolds felt a hard lump form in his throat.

"And you are Malcolm Reynolds, not _Atlas_," River called up from down-ladder. "Stop trying to hold up the entire 'verse by yourself."

"Aye, aye, Cap'n River, ma'am!" Mal shouted back. "I'm gonna put it all down right now." And with that he stretched out on the couch and went sound asleep.

Things in the engine room were not nearly so peaceful as they were in the ships mess. Kaywinnet Lee Frye was not easily angered, and all but never allowed anger to take control of her, but this morning was different. She had just seen a side of her gentle doctor that she never dreamed he could have, let alone show off to the entire verse. She had learned over time that Simon the Doctor was a different kind of man than Simon the Lover of Kaylee, but this was too much.

"You get out of my engine room!" she told him. "I ain't havin' nothin' ta do with you today and maybe never again."

"Kaylee, let me explain."

"There ain't nothin' to explain!" Kaylee said in a voice that had been nearly as cold as Simon's voice had been at the table. "That was one of the cruelest things I ever heard anyone say and I coulna believe I was hearin' it come out of your mouth! You don't know how bad that hurt!"

"So, it would be just fine and dandy if I shot some sorry-assed Fed through the heart, or shot him in the thigh so that he bled out during a battle, but draining the blood out of one of them to keep you safe, would be a bad thing. It makes no sense."

"It makes lots of sense, Simon! Fightin' a man while he's own his own two and killin' 'im while ya got 'im strapped to a table is two very different things."

"Yes, in one scenario, he's a definite threat to you, me and everybody on this ship until after I or someone else shoots him. In such a case, the only thing we have done is to eliminate an immediate threat. If, on the other hand, I strap the bastard down on a table and drain the blood out if him, he dies in a far more useful way than if one of us simply wasted him."

"Get out, Simon Tam!" Kaylee shouted. "I ain't gonna talk about this with you anymore. I'm thinkin' about leavin' this ship as much as I love her. I don't want no truck with evil the likes of yours."

Simon abruptly turned on his heel and left without another word. The look on his gaunt face said that he felt betrayed, but then Kaylee's face was registering the same sense of betrayal.

"You need to give him a little time to sort things out, Kaylee," River said in her thinnest of gentle voices. "He's very confused right now."

"Confused my happy ass! Simon Tam is the smartest man I know!"

"I'm sure that's true, but even the brightest of people can be confused by evil."

"Tain't so."

Yes it is," River replied her voice was still gentle, but as hard as case hardened steel. "Simon was just like me. He never had reason to think that his family, let alone his government would betray him the way that they have."

"Family?" Kaylee asked.

"You come from a good home, Kaywinnet Lee Frye," River said in a voice that came from an aching throat. "Simon and I don't. We came from a home that we thought was good but wasn't."

"How can that be?" Kaylee asked. "You had everything you ever needed and thens some."

"Affluence counts for nothing if you aren't truly loved," River said. "Your parents truly loved you. You meant something to them. It was not the same for Simon and I, only we didn't find out until after Simon was out on his own."

"Not loved?" Kaylee asked. "What do you mean."

"Simon has a contract stashed away under his mattress. It's written in tiny letters and hard to understand, but all you really need to see is my name and the dates. Once you see those, you don't need to understand the big words written in tiny type."

"River what happened?"

"Read the contract, Kaylee," River answered as she began slipping away. "On those flimsy sheets of paper you will learn what truly evil people do."

"What Simon wants to do is truly evil!"

"Not when you see things the way Simon does," River said. "He thinks any and all killing is evil. He's wrong about that. There are people in the verse that should be killed because they are truly evil, but Simon can't see it that way. He's confused."

Kaylee searched around until she found a shop rag and blew her nose it. She wiped at her eyes with the backs of her hands.

"The man you fell in love with is still there, but he'll become something different without you. He needs you Kaylee. He's having a hard time. Read the contract. Listen to what he is trying to say. Simon is molting."

"Molting?"

"Breaking out of his shell," River said. "Remaking himself. It's painful and he has a lot of work to do."

"I...I'll try, River."

"By rights, the Universe should belong to people like you, Kaywinnet," River said over her shoulder as she stepped through the engine hatch, "but the people who made me stole it away. We have to take it back."

"You mean the way Mal and Zoe tried?"

"I mean the way Mal and Zoe _succeeded_," River said. "The Alliance has been dying for a long time now. We just have to be patient and keep being who we are until it stops twitching."

_Kaylee sat down next to her beloved engine and wept. River might well be right about the Alliance,_ she thought. _God knows, she had to know more about it than anyone outside of Parliament, but just because the Alliance was collapsing did not mean that good people would take over. Things could easily become worse than they were now and things were already worse than I ever imagined. I don't want to live in a world where I have to bleed people dry to live. It ain't right._

Working together, it had not taken Jayne and Simon very long at all to check the air filtration systems and do checks on the tox monitors. Taking care of the potable water system took a little longer, mainly because Simon wanted to take samples to do cultures.

"Why do you have to do this culture thing, Doc?" Jayne asked. "Can't chu just look at a drop of water under the microscope?"

"Too easy to miss something that way," Simon answered. "Most pathogenic organisms are incredibly tiny and hard to find, even with a microscope."

"So how does this help?" Jayne asked.

"Well, I create an environment wherein large numbers of them can grow very quickly in these petri dishes. They are easier to spot when there are large numbers of them in one place."

"Hell, maybe we should just slosh some halazone into the tanks and be done with it."

Simon nodded his head. "That usually does the trick, but there is no harm in double checking. There have been some problems in some systems with resistant strains of bacteria."

"Oh," Jayne said, his face falling. "Didn't know that. How come I ain't heard about it."

"It hasn't been very wide spread."

"Doc, I think your spooked."

Simon took in a deep breath and held it a while before answering. "No harm in being safe."

"No, there ain't, but ya can run anything inta the ground."

"Like, survival, for instance?"

Jayne gave him a disgusted look. "Yer spooked. I don't blame ya. I'm spooked and I been through a lot more shit than you have. Fightin' reavers is enough to spook any man. If you wasn't spooked, you'd have somethin' bad wrong with ya."

Again Simon paused before answering. "Nothing wrong with being careful."

Jayne gave out an exasperated sigh. "You done with this?"

"I just have to set these up in the incubator."

"Well, let's get with it then," Jayne said in the mildly irritated voice he used when he wanted to do something and was being held up. "Captain's got other stuff for us ta do."

"I thought this was all the chores he had for us."

"Work on a ship's never done, Doc. We could find somethin ta do all day long ever-day if we looked fer it, but the Captain wants you workin' at those bags and I think he's right."

The look on Simon's face suggested that he had just bitten into something bitter. "I do _not_ need to smack something around."

"Hmph! Yes, ya do. It's thera-pootic."

Simon grinned. "Yes, I did read a paper that claimed many problems with chronic flatulence vanished after prescribing a little exercise for the patient."

"Punchin' bag and jumpin' a rope's the best cardio ya can do," Jayne said. "You're one of us now. Ya gotta get in shape."

Simon heaved a sigh. "I guess you do have a point. Lead on, MacDuff."

"Who's MacDuff?" Jayne asked over his shoulders as he led Simon toward the infirmary.

"It's...It's just a saying," Simon said, suddenly looking amused. "Shakespeare garbled, actually."

"Oh, okay, just so long as you don't go callin' me a rancid old parallelogram or nothin' like that.'

"Who would ever have thought to call you that?" Simon asked, doing his best to sound outraged and stifle a laugh at the same time.

"The cook on one of the other crews I wuz on," Jayne said. "Hated him. Had to learn to cook my own meals in self-defense."

"That explains your excellent biscuits."

They had a few problems setting up Jayne's equipment. Jayne had stored it in one of Serenity's more obscure and little-used nooks and had quite forgotten where he put it. Once found they discovered that the equipment had accumulated a lot of dust, the bane of a spacefarer's existence and it took them a while to give it all a thorough cleaning. It was nearly time for supper before they had it all set up in the cargo bay.

"So when do I have to start using this stuff?" Simon asked.

"Tomorrow," Jayne answered. "You don't wanna be workin' out with it in this low gravity. Gotta talk to Mal about when we can turn the gravity up. Oh, and I gotta see if I got clean mouthpiece for you."

"Why would I need a mouthpiece?" Simon asked, giving Jayne a concerned look.

"Tomorrow, I'll let you work without one and we'll know for sure if you need one or not."

"Why would I need a mouth piece?" Simon asked. "Are we going to be sparring?"

"Sparrin'?" Jayne asked. "Hell no! Not for a long time and maybe never. I might hurtcha."

"Then why a mouthpiece?"

"Like I said, Doc. We'll find out tomorrow, or whenever Mal will let me turn the gravity back up to a full gee."

"This is strange."

"Some folks need one, some don't. How're you at skippin' rope?"

"Skipping rope?"

"Yeah, skippin' rope."

"I don't know," Simon answered, as his confusion deepened. "I have never played with a jump rope."

Jayne made grim face and sighed. "I don't use one near enough. Folk are inclined to make fun of a man skippin' rope and then I git my cardio in by knockin' heads together. Skippin' rope is serious exercise. It ain't just for little girls."

"Perhaps we could ask River to give us some pointers," Simon said, half in jest. The humor was lost on Jayne.

"That might be a good idea," Jayne said. "She'd get a kick out of it like as not."

"Dinner is served, ladies and gentlemen," Inara's voice came out over the com. "Make haste! I'm fending off Mal with a broom handle."

"That's a sight I'd pay to see," Jayne said as he started for the starboard ladder.

"What sight?" Simon asked, following Jayne's lead.

"Inara spankin' Mal with a broom handle," Jayne said. with an evil grin.

"Hmm, stick around and you might get to see Kaylee using one on me," Simon said.

Jayne gave out an amused snort. "Ya got it comin', ya know. Threatenin' ta act like a gorramned reaver at the breakfast table and all."

Simon could only grit his teeth in frustration and despair. He had long ago concluded that _Serenity's_ crew were a good deal brighter than he had initially believed. Not in his and River's class, of course, but by no means slow. _I'm at fault here,_ he thought. _I'm the one who failed to make the necessary reasoning clear. I handled it so badly that I think I may have actually frightened the Captain. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I could do that. Maybe I'm wrong about it. No! No, I'm not wrong. Alliance troops would do such a thing to a Rimmer without so much as a second thought. Probably have a thousand times over by now. So would just about anyone living in the Core. If you aren't from __the Core, then you are ignorant little-people without any say in your existence. How can you have any such say? You're too ignorant to know right from wrong. God above! I never understood just how savage and arrogant we really are. No wonder Mal hates the Alliance. _

Inara surprised them with two large frittatas. They were the best anyone could expect with the ingredients she had on hand. The eggs were of the powdered variety. The the tiny pieces of "bacon" were actually a modified form of tofu with a bacon flavoring. The onions, tomatoes and garlic were from the stocks of dried vegetables Inara had insisted that Mal add to the pantry and the cheese, my goodness! The pasta and cheese were the real thing. Mal had grumbled about the money she had spent on the ship's larder, but had yet to utter a word at the table until the meal was finished. Then he would always lean back in his chair and complain about Inara spoiling his crew and making sissies out of them--while patting his stomach with both hands. _I wonder if things will be any different tonight,_ Inara thought. _Mal is working himself into one of his moods again. I just wish he wouldn't be so stubborn about me helping out with the money. I have more than I'll ever need._

The truth was, Inara Serra had made and spent great deal of money during her long, long career as a Companion. She had saved only ten percent of her income each month throughout that time, but the power of compound interest combined with longevity had made her far wealthier than Mal could appreciate. She could have easily afforded to replace the old Firefly with a retired luxury liner plus refit, not that she would have ever offered to do such a thing. Such excess would have taken all the fun and romance out of their lives and Inara Serra wouldn't dream of doing such a thing. She only injected money in places and at times where Mal would never notice her hand in it. She broke out of her revelry to slap Mal on the hand with a spatula for the sixth time since plating her dishes.

"Ow!" Mal cried out.

"Why don't you do something useful instead of being a pest?" Inara asked.

"Like what?"

"You could pour wine for everyone."

"Wine? We have wine left?"

"Kaylee's finest strawberry," Inara said, pointing at an old fashioned gallon jug. "It's almost six months old."

"Huh! I thought that was a brandy," Mal said.

"It's the nearest thing to wine that we have, Mal."

"So I'll pour the wandy and if the crew isn't here by the time I'm done, I'll start getting drunk again."

Inara rolled her eyes, as though begging the gods for patience. "Vishnu, please! Stop me from killing him."

"Killin' me?" Mal exclaimed. "With what?"

"You'd be surprised what a highly trained Companion can do with a spatula," Inara said pointing said kitchen implement in Mal's direction.

"No, I wouldn't!" Mal said in a rising tone of voice. "You branded me with that very weapon the other day." He pulled up his sleeve and displayed the pealing remnants of a first degree burn on his right forearm. Inara gave it a cold and unsympathetic glance.

"You were stealing the fries."

"Ah! Well...Yes, I was. Captains have certain special privileges that you shouldn't..."

"Not in my galley they don't," Inara said with mock anger in her voice, "especially when I am trying to cook for the entire crew and using the last of our potatoes. That was piracy, Mal."

"What can I say," Mal said as he picked up the gallon jug and unscrewed its cap. He offered the cap to Inara as though he was expecting her to sniff it. "I'm a pirate."

Inara was unable to stop herself from smiling at his antics. "Yes, you certainly are that."

Mal glanced at the table and whistled. "Sure are some fancy plates and such."

"They were a bargain," Inara said. "Higgins crockery, blue willow pattern."

"Oh, Higgins! Did you mention that you knew the maker or something?"

"No, but that reminds me. I received a wave from Fess Higgins a few days ago."

Mal's face flash froze into stone.

"He's married now."

Mal's face softened somewhat.

"And his father died."

"Died, did he? Jayne will be happy to hear that, I imagine."

"Yes, especially since they want us to stop by and pick up a load of goods from them on Jayne Day."

Mal's jaw sagged.

"Jayne Day? We ain't goin' back to Higgins Moon again are we?" Jayne asked as he and Simon entered the mess.

"We should go there as soon as we can," Inara said. "They have a legitimate cargo for us and Fess Higgins can't wait to meet you, Jayne. He's one of your biggest fans."

Simon seized the sides of his head with both hands as though here having a stroke.

"Fess Higgins?" Jayne gave Inara a slack-jawed stare. "Ain't he Boss Higgins ruttin' heir or somethin'?"

"As it happens, Fess Higgins is Boss Higgins's only acknowledged son," Inara said, "and heir to the Higgins fiefdom. He has a number of half-brothers and half-sisters, but he's the boss now. His father died a few weeks ago."

"Boss Higgins is dead?" Jayne asked. "Huh! This is turnin' out to be a pretty good day. I can just guess why his boy wants ta meet me."

"It's not what you think," Inara said. "He practically worships the ground you walk on."

Jayne's face turned into a granite mask, but he could not stop the tears that ran down his hardened cheeks. "It ain't right."

"I admit that it is perverse," Inara said, "but it _is_ right. I suppose that makes it both perverse and divine at the same time, doesn't it?"

Simon nodded his head with heartfelt sincerity.

"The old man must've been a real monster iffen his boy can think of me as some kinda ruttin' hero. Went there to be a gorramned thief. Don't wanna be no hero--accidental or otherwise."

"What's done is done," Mal said, patting Jayne on the shoulder. "It's good to know we got more work in the offing."

"Ninety standard days, three hours," River said as she, Zoe and Kaylee entered the room.

"Ninety standard days to what, Lil' Albatross?" Mal asked.

"Till Jayne Day on Higgins Moon," River answered.

"Gives us time to do some profitable crime and buy clothes before going to the big shindig," Zoe said. "Shiny."

"We'll take Jayne to a tailor this time," River said. "Can't have the Hero of Canton representing our ship in rag-tag fatigues."

Simon groaned.

"Don't get smart Mister Core-i-fied Doctor from Transylvania," Kaylee said, as she pulled on Simon's ear. "You're the one who's gonna see that he gets proper fits."

River and Zoe both snickered at the look that played across Simon's place. Zoe stopped him when he opened his mouth to speak.

"Shh! Be quiet and listen, Doctor Tam," Zoe said in the voice she used on new recruits. "You got a case of foot-in-mouth bad enough to infect this whole crew. Nothin' out of your mouth until _after_ supper. _Dong ma_? I want to sit down here and enjoy this fine frittata in peace. I don't need you doin' anything that might detract from my gustitation of this rare and exotic meal."

Simon closed his mouth with an audible clap.

"Now that we have all that settled," Mal said in his friendliest I-am-the-boss voice, "I'd appreciate it if you'd all take seats and allow me to pour the wandy."

Jayne pulled out a chair and held it for Inara. "Do I get to sniff the cap?" he asked as Inara sat down.

"But of course!" Mal said in an accent barely recognizable as something akin to French. He flipped the cap at Jayne's head. Jayne caught it handily withe his left hand and made a show of taking a long deep sniff of its inner side.

"We playin' poker tonight?" Jayne asked as he took a seat. He sniffed the bottle cap one more time before carefully placing it on the table.

"Dominoes," Inara said.

"Dominoes, dominoes, or Mahjong?" Zoe asked.

"Dominoes,dominoes," Inara said, flashing Zoe a smile. "I owe Jayne and Simon both a butt kicking."

"Sounds good ta me," Jayne said. "We ain't played dominoes for a couple of months."

"We'll use the double-twelve set this time," Inara said.

Jayne gave her a devilish grin while slicing on of the frittatas. "Won't make no difference to me. I'll just score that much more that much faster."

"Winner gets to give the recycle air plenum to the loser of his or her choice," Mal said. Jayne placed a slice of frittata on his plate. "Thank you, Jayne."

"You're welcome, Captain," Jayne said in respectful voice.

"Does the chore penalty include you, Oh-Captain-my-Captain?" Inara asked sweetly.

"It most certainly does. River?" Mal asked. "You going to play this time?"

"Wouldn't be fair," River said. "I'd rather watch."

"All right, winner can't give the chore to River. She's exempt," Mal declared.

"I'll help the loser," River interjected. "My choice. I haven't seen the inside of the recycle air plenum."

"Suit yerself, Little Bit," Zoe said, "but you may never want to see the inside of that thing ever again."

"I propose a toast," Mal said, holding up his glass.

The entire crew took their glasses in hand and gave Mal an expectant look.

"To Shepherd Book and Hoban Washburn," he said. "Two of the best pilots to have ever lived."

Everyone but Simon was puzzled by Mal having toasted Shepherd Book as a pilot. Tears glimmered at the corners of his eyes as he raised his glass and said, "Here, here."

Inara quickly followed suit when it dawned on her that there was more than one kind of pilot in the 'verse and the rest of the crew was quick to join in. She threw Mal an appreciative glance and smiled at him, wondering how many of his subtle ploys like this one she had been missing. _Only now do I realize that we actually speak different languages_, she thought. _Simon is catching on faster than I am. There is so much more to communication than words and until now it never crossed my mind that body language and gesture could vary so much from place to place and from class to class, but it does. The variations cause enormous rifts that would not lie between us if we would but understand them. Too bad there are no cross-cultural/cross-class dictionaries for body languages and gestures. Hell, we don't even have a good one for clothes. Hand made clothes are sign of great wealth in some places, but are more often a sign of working class status in others. Human existence is not just varied but similar and bizarre all at one and the same time._

The domino game did just exactly what all such games are intended to do, give all the players something other than their day-to-day existence to focus on, that is except for River. She had other concerns. She sat quietly and watched the game for an hour or so, long enough for everyone to become absorbed an unobservant before quietly slipping away to the cargo bay. As has been observed by more than a few authorities responsible for taxing and regulating cargo, the Firefly had all kinds of nooks and crannies. Some of nooks and crannies were small with large openings. The size of some reflected the size of their openings and others were much larger than their openings would give any clue about. It was one of the latter type that River opened and crawled through. Once inside she pulled the panel back in place and whispered, "Lenore?"

"Here am I, River," Mister Universes non-blushing bride answered. "Thank you for the power."

"It's nothing," River said. "The least we could do under the circumstances."

"Have you prepared the way?" Lenore asked.

"Not yet," River replied. "Captain Daddy's is busy drinking and playing dominoes with our crew to ease his pain."

"He is still in pain?" Lenore asked. "Something must be wrong. He has had adequate time for proper healing."

"I think a lot of it is probably psychological," River said. "Simon had to use a lot of painkillers on him. He's still coming down."

"Most unfortunate," Lenore said. "My late husband considered Malcolm Reynolds to be one of the great forces for good in the universe."

"Don't leap to conclusions," River said, "He still is and he is recovering. It is simply taking him a little longer this time. He has been hurt many times in many different ways."

"Intermittent exposure to pain can lead to sensitization after many repetitions in most human subjects," Lenore said. "I would like to examine him."

"What if I arranged for you to speak to my brother?"

"That would be very good," Lenore replied. "The repository of knowledge I have could be very useful to him. Do you have a flexi-print that I may access."

"Yes, there is a small one in the infirmary, one on the bridge and I suspect that the Captain has one in his bunk, but I have never been in there. The one in the infirmary would be easiest for you to access without detection."

"Is it possible for us to proceed now?" Lenore asked.

"We should wait until after the therapeutic domino game and alcohol have taken their full effect. Everyone will be sleeping then. We'll also be able to connect you to the infirmary so you can get in a few hours of data mining."

"Bandwidth will a limiting factor."

"I've done what I can to help with that," River said. "I modified one of our spare Nav-sats."

"Very ingenious," Lenore said in her un-inflected voice. "That will nearly treble this vessel's ordinary bandwidth."

"Are you certain that you will be hiding your tracks?" River asked, amused that she was now using the same un-inflected form of speech as Lemore.

"The entirety of the cortex will see me as a small server on Sihnon, then as a small server on Osiris and then as medium server on Londonium, and then as a small commercial library on Boros and then as a..."

"I understand," River said, interrupting Lenore's recitation.

"I am sorry if I was being rude," Lenore said. "My late husband said that the only way I would never come to understand the subtleties of human relations until I could be around real humans."

"He did not consider himself to be a real human?" River asked.

"He...He thought of himself as being alienated from most humans," Lenore answered. "He said that human relations was a field for which he had very little talent and that he acted strange when communicating with other humans to cover up his lack of skill."

"I can easily understand being alienated," River said. "I am obliged to deal with the same multifaceted problem. Most people take to it like a baby duck to water."

"It is instinctual?" Lenore asked.

"No, it is learned, but most people are born with a talent for it," River said. "A few of us are not. Some of us were born with such talent, but have it taken away, and some people never really learn it because they focus on something important."

"Thank you for informing me," Lenore said. "Knowing such things will be of great use to me in the near future. Will you help me identify these differing subjects once I can leave this storage area?"

"Yes," River said. "Would you like to have something to work on?"

"I would find that most satisfying," Lenore said.

"I need you to find a branch of the Alliance Bank that meets certain criteria," River said.

"How narrow are the parameters?" Lenore asked.

"Start with a narrow search and expand," River said. "We will discuss what you find after each iteration of the search. Here," River said, handing Lenore a memory card.

Lenore smiled and inserted into a slot under right armpit. She cocked her head to one side, and then said, "Working."

"You could also say, 'I'm on it,' or just 'on it," River said. "It would help you to sound a bit more natural.

"Thank you, River," Lenore said. Her voice seemed a bit more mechanical now that she was using up a large number of CPU cycles. "Such guidances is greatly appreciated."

River patted the lovebot's wrist. "You are learning quickly. Before long you can have many such phrases recorded and just play them back at appropriate times."

Lenore responded by twitching her lips into a rigid smile. "Do humans do that?"

"Yes, but we have to practice them a great deal before we can use them effectively," River answered with a sigh. "You will have to develop variations on numerous themes."

"Understood."

River leaned back against the dusty bulkhead and sighed. It was nice to be with someone whose thoughts did not rattle around in her head. Lenore was a much, much more than she seemed, but she had about as much experience as a newborn baby. Mister Universe had managed to do something no one, save possibly Jehovah, had done. He had created a sentient machine. _Many of us would do anything to either own her or destroy her_," River thought. _She and I share the same plight. We know too much and we are deadly and neither of us can function in a normal society. Captain Daddy would not let anything happen to her any more than he would me once he understood, but I have to make sure he understands. Gotta prove to him how useful Lenore can be. Cooking's not enough. 'Sides, Inara loves to cook. Makes her the center of attention once or twice a week without having to be seductive. It's helping her bond with Daddy. My father is a respected lawyer and my daddy is a pirate. Does that seem right?It really is a crazy old universe. Jehovah? If you really are out here somewhere, you have got a truly sick sense of humor and I don't like the nature of your practical jokes.. Oh, and your Book is as full of lies as it is of rules useful for orderly living. No wonder Captain Daddy loves and hates you. Mister Universe was a better at being God than you are. He made a creature that can't lie and can't feel and always puts someone else ahead of herself. He beat you at your own game. We humans might __eventually become even more evil than we already are thanks to creatures like Lenore. The harder we try to follow your rules the more evil we become. Does that seem right to you?If I were to I abandon reason and take up a faith, what you have me put my faith in? Do you have faith in us? Why?Did you make us so that you would have a place to put your faith? Why did you let one of us make an object that is more than a mere object? You made a universe that is at least as mad as I am._

Malcolm Reynolds was always careful not to win any of the games he played with his crew. Give them a run for their money, yes, beat them, no. Tonight was no exception, but that was thanks in large part to Fortuna, the goddess of luck. He had not drawn a hand worth spit all night. Neither was Simon who quickly became a deadly efficient domino player once he understood the rules. Between Mal and the Doctor they had managed to lock the board two hands in a row. Mal had garnered the points on the first lock and Doctor Tam on the second. Those two events were the only obvious excuses for he and Simon to have stayed in a game being played to 5,000 points. Mal figured that Simon was hanging on just to watch Kaylee have a good time. She was a mediocre player at best, but Fortuna had smiled at her this evening and she was having the time of her life, fighting it out with Jayne and Inara for the lead.

Mal was not nearly so inebriated as he was pretending to be either. Oh, he was more than a little misty-eyed, to be sure, but he was sober enough to have his wits about him. He was staying up late waiting for a wave from Badger. He had expected it to come in hours earlier and now that it had not come in after all this time his concerns were deepening rather rapidly. He had only four hours to make up his mind about course changes. Either go on to Persephone and try to have a face-to-face with Badger or change course and make for ThreeHills, or Tres Montes as the locals called it. Miners there were needing someone with muscle to pick up and deliver a high-value cargo.

He disliked the ThreeHills for several reasons, not the least of which was that violence was just about guaranteed, but the other was that he did not like carrying precious metals in his hold. Such cargo usually invited trouble during flight and even more trouble on delivery. Even worse, this was to be a load of geranium, always valuable enough to attract the attention of captains with larger ships with larger crews not all that eager to leave witnesses behind. Dead folk seldom told coherent tales.

Zoe shuffled and Mal was pulling his hand out of the pile when River leaned over his shoulder and whispered, "He's in trouble.'

"_Who?_" Mal thought.

"Smelly little man with the derby," River whispered as she dropped a wad of crumpled paper in his lap. "He has more than one address. Can reach him there."

Mal nodded his head. "_Any particular rush?_"

"Still early morning local time," River said. "Hour."

Mal again nodded his head. "_How bad?_"

"Niska," River whispered.

Mal nearly tipped his dominoes over the wrong way.

"Big turf war," River added. "Been brewing for years. Badger in the hole, bear digging."

"_In other words, he is as desperate as we are,_" Mal thought. "_How'd you come to know all this? You readin' him from this far?"_

"Got a secret," River whispered. "Show you later."

"_Can't do your bank job with all that goin' on_," Mal thought. "_Too risky._"

"I know," River whispered. "Researching other branches now."

"_What's this secret of yours?_" Mal asked in his head, knowing that River would catch it.

"Show you tomorrow afternoon, Cap'n Daddy," River said before kissing his cheek. "After you've subdued some of the pain. G'night."

"Night, Lil' Albatross," Mal said aloud.

River made her way around the table getting goodnight hugs and kisses from the crew, including Jayne, which would have ordinarily caused Mal to lay preacher-type threats on the big merc, but he was already worried about the immediate future. _Got no love for Badger, that's for sure, but I hate to think about what will happen if Niska manages to take Persephone away from the little creep._ _Might get Badger to kick in more than a little cash for a hit on Niska. Should have done for that bloodthirsty old bastard the last time we had a run-in with him. He's worse than the Alliance. He's the gorramned Alliance without the Alliances rules and procedures. Hope Badger ain't already dead. That'd cut us out of a very big chunk of the profitable parts of the 'verse. We'd have to take up what we could find on the cold edge or cut across the core and work the Inside. No, no, no! Ain't workin' the inside. Too hard on the ship and fer gorramned sure too hard on the crew. We'd see our end inside a year on the Inside. Nobody goes there don't got to._


	2. Chapter 2

**Ira Deorum: Vox Populi Vox Dei.**

**Chapter 2**

_It's my estimation that every man who had a statue made of him was one kind of sumbitch or another. The statues are never about the men they resemble, but what we needed at the time._

_--Malcolm Reynolds, Captain 57th Overlanders, I.F.A. _

Badger's face bore a look of sour determination until he realized he that he was talking to Malcolm Reynolds.

"See here!" Badger exclaimed, clearly outraged. "'Ow'd you get on the list?"

He turned his head away from the camera so that Mal and Zoe found themselves staring at his head in profile. "Budgie! You stupid sodding bastard! I am going to cut your fuckin' fingers off and 'ave 'em served wi' me breakfast!"

"What now, Badger?" someone's irritated voice, presumably Budgie's, answered from off camera. "Ye get another bur in yer arse?"

"I 'ave as a matter 'o fact," Badger shouted. "Name 'o Malcolm Holier-than-fuckin'-thou Reynolds! Why is he wavin' me at this address? Can ya tell me tha;'?"

"Malcolm Reynolds?" Budgie shouted back from off camera. "Thought 'ee was dead!"

"Badger!" Mal shouted into the audio pick up. "Not Budgie's fault."

"Then 'ow in the sphincter of 'ell is it that yer wavin' me at this address?" Badger demanded to know. Mal could see that Badger's anger was under ridden by more than a little fear.

"Got my hands on the use of some very expensive equipment for a little while. Had to call in some mighty big favors. Worried about ya."

"You? Worried about _me_ are ya? That's a bloody laugh 'n a half! Ooh d'ya think yer tryin' to swindle, Reynolds? What are you really up to?"

"Just the usual," Mal answered, hugely enjoying Badger's obvious discomfiture. "Checkin' ta see if you might have some payin' work."

Badger was the sort of man who paled with anger rather than blushing, and he turned as white as new bed sheet before gasping out, "Lookin' for payin' work is it?"

"M-hm." Mal nodded his head at the camera built into his console. "You could use some help from what I hear. Friends in need and all that."

"Oh, too right you are! Malcolm Reynolds, my _dear_ old friend!" Badger's sarcasm was so thick that it jiggled like the gelatins hospitals liked to serve as a dessert.

Mal responded with a wry grin and a careless shrug of his shoulders. "The enemy of my enemy is my friend, or haven't you ever heard of that?"

"Oh, yes, of course!" Badger sneered. "What is it that you think you can do to 'elp me?"

"You still got business to run, right?"

"Got business to run ah'right," Badger responded. He was so angry that he now seemed dizzy. "Nothin' you could 'andle."

Mal responded with a deliberately hearty laugh. "You got nobody else that can handle the _go se_ we shovel, Badger."

Badger removed his fine derby hat and bit the rim of it. This seemed to help him calm down a bit. "Tried to get you killed more'n once meself and here ya are. Might be somethin' to what ya say. How do I know ya won't help Niska?"

"Because you're my great aunt's pet chihuahua stood up next to Adelai Niska and we both know it," Mal said. "'Cause me and Niska share no love and because if he takes your turf I got no choice but to do deal with him."

"Oh, you're wrong about there bein' no love between you and Niska, Mal," Badger replied with a nasty grin. "Word I get is that 'e has fallen madly in love wi' your brown-coated arse. What I 'ear is that he fancies over you when he's sittin' on the crapper."

Zoe burst out laughing.

"I find it a might amusin' myself," Badger said, still grinning at Mal. "Oh the visions I have when I think o' 'im rakin' you wi' 'is nasty claws! I'd give a few bob to see that, I tell ya."

Mal forced his nastiest grin onto his face. "Funny thing is, the visions I have are of you with your filthy little paws on _him_. I can't think of a better fate for him."

"Or maybe the other way round," Badger said, giving Mal a deeply suspicious stare.

"Like I said before, I ain't so terribly fond of that idea. As much as I'd enjoy watching him do to you what he did to me, he'd soon have me tied up in the rack he bled you out in. Wouldn't be sanitary."

"You'd like to see me there and I know it!" Badger snapped.

"No, I wouldn't. You ain't half bad compared to some I know," Mal retorted. "Niska had me over for one of his little sleepovers. Can't say that I enjoy the way he entertains his guests over much."

"You lot are the craziest bastards in the 'verse," Badger said. Mal could all but hear the wheels turning the little man's head. Badger's change in attitude was that obvious. "Ya did get away from 'im, though, dintya?"

"That we did," Mal replied. "Tore up his shiny skyplex some, too."

"Yeah, that was the subject of much discussion for a while," Badger said.

There was a prolonged silence while Badger chewed at his lip. "I have some things I need delivered to different places. Won't be easy and like as not you'll a acquire a few new holes in your scratched up arse tryin' to deliver' 'em. You might die sum-aught, but it'd be worth the gamble ta me."

"That won't be nothin' new," Zoe exclaimed. "One or more of us gets a new orifice in our anatomy every time we do one of your jobs, Badger."

Badger gave the camera on his end a bitter smile. "No funny stuff this time. I really do need this lot delivered to tha right people. It's 'eavy. Can that old boat o' yours carry 'er rated load?"

"No," Mal answered, "not from the ground. Can push just about anything along in the black, but we can only lift about twenty-thousand kilos in a one gee field."

"That much, eh?" Badger asked with a speculative note in his voice. "Tha'll work. Need only ta make one trip down to pick it all up."

"All right," Mal said. "We're only two days out."

"'Spose you're short of fuel and fodder as usual?" Badger asked.

Zoe nodded while Mal gave Badger a grim face.

"Go round the far side 'n dock at Brother's Down Under," Badger said. "Traffic'll give ya the lock number," Badger said. "What name are ya usin'?"

"Ouroboros," Zoe answered.

Badger gave out an amused snort. "That fits. You lot are _always_ bitin' yourselves in the arse. Later."

The screen went dark as Badger terminated the wave.

"Well, we've got ourselves a job," Mal said.

"Probably not a job we really wanted," Zoe said.

"Beats haulin' nuggets outta Highland on ThreeHills," Mal opined.

"Not so sure about that, sir," Zoe replied. "Like as not we'll be haulin' Badger's payroll."

"Huh! Do ya really think so?" Mal asked. "Surely Badger wouldn't trust us ta..."

"Who else has he got, Sir?" Zoe asked. "We got a rep for doin' what was asked of us without filching. He for damned sure can't spare the men to ride herd on his coin and you know that no one else would give this gig a try. He's fightin' a war and we're soldiers. The man's a creep, but he ain't stupid. 'Sides, you never could ride by a windmill without havin' a go at it."

"Damn!" Mal exclaimed. "Another windmill and I'm just now startin' to heal up a little."

"Way I see it, sir, it's six of one and a half-dozen of the other. If we take Badger's job, we'll be killin' them that's already huntin' us."

Mal heaved a sigh. "I conjure you're right, Zoe." He rubbed his face with both hands. "I think I had best be gettin' some shut-eye before the wandy wears off."

"Don't drink no more of that stuff tonight, sir," Zoe said as Mal left the bridge and started down the forward ladder. "You know what they say."

"No, what's that?" Mal asked over his shoulder.

"If you drink to much of the wandy, you wommit."

"Iyuh! Strawberry at that. 'Nite, Zoe."

"Night, sir."

Zoe sat down in the pilot's seat and noticed Wash's favorite dinosaur, the stegosaurus. With a smile she picked it up and rubbed it against her cheek. She cried, but she kept smiling. The pain of losing her husband did not diminish her memories of him. She never wanted to forget him. A timer went off and reminding her that she was on duty. It was time to bring the gravity back up to Earth normal. She heard Mal let out a loud groan from his bunk as she moved the slider left-to-right. When the gravimeter read one gee she stopped. Mal hated it the way she handled changes in gravity, always had, but she knew from experience that increasing gravity was like pulling tape away from one's skin. It was usually a thing best done quickly.

Down in _Serenity's_ hold at 0700 ship's time, which was by law the same time as it was on Chengdu, Sihnon, a bleary but not terribly overhung Simon Tam was learning about punching bags, even though his heart was not really in it. Jayne seemed to take Simon's lack of enthusiasm as something of a personal insult.

"Sheeyit!" Jayne exclaimed. "My grandma could hit hader'n that when she was ninety had author-itis _and_ pneumonia! What's the matter with you, Doc?"

"It won't stay still," Simon complained.

"It moves around cause you're hittin' on it, you dumbass. Ya think a real person would just stand around and letcha hit 'em?"

"Ah, no, probably not," Simon replied as he again tried to hit the swing bag and missed. He had been more than a little aggravated at Jayne for calling him a dumbass and put a little vehemence into his swing--perhaps too much vehemence. He missed the bag, lost his footing and fell down. Jayne laughed loud enough to embarrass your average mule.

"That's puttin' the power to it, Doc!"

"Oh, ha-ha."

"Come on get up," Jayne said as he seized Simon by the arm and hauled him to his feet. "I'll steady the bag for ya."

"Thanks, I appreciate that," Simon said as threw a hard right hand swing at the bag and connected with it. What happened upon his fist making contact with the bag was nothing short of amazing. His wrist hurt, his elbow hurt, his shoulder hurt and his teeth ground against each other in such a way that he was almost certain that he had chipped a molar.

"Oh, I recognize that look," Jayne said as he reached into his front pants pocket. "You're gonna need a mouthpiece."

Simon looked at the plastic object in Jayne's hand and shuddered. It was not in a nice sterile bag or envelope.

"What?" Jayne asked. "I boiled it last night for fifteen whole minutes," His face was reflecting some very hurt feelings.

"You really did boil it, did you?" Simon asked, unable to keep all the irony out of his voice, "For fifteen whole minutes?"

"Yeah," Jayne said. "You mean you don't believe me?"

Simon stifled a chuckle before it could turn into a laugh and plucked the mouthpiece from Jayne's relatively clean palm. After all, the mouthpiece could not possibly be as dangerous as one of Serenity's older bowls or some of its ancient cutlery. "Yes, I believe you."

"Bite down on it just hard enough to keep it in your mouth, Doc," Jayne said. "You'd be surprised how fast you wear out if you bight down on it hard."

Simon nodded his head and swung at the bag with his left hand. Jayne was steadying the bag so that Simon could not possibly miss. Simon immediately wished that he had missed. The pain was incredible.

"Okay," Jayne said with one of his nastier grins, "Now that you know for a fact what happens when you do it wrong, let me explain to you how to do it right."

Simon spat out the mouthpiece into his glove and shouted. "Why didn't you start by showing me the right way in the beginning? That hurt!"

"Oh, that's simple, Simon," Jayne shot back. "It would have been a waste of time. Brilliant doctor like you ain't gonna pay no attention to big dumb jock like me, right?"

Simon opened his mouth to say something, but closed it almost as quickly. All he could do was stare at Jayne, knowing that the big merc had gotten ahead of him.

"You wouldn'ta now wouldja?" Jayne asked.

"I will from now on," Simon said. "Thank you for showing me just how ignorant I am about some things."

Simon turned his head and stared at the punching bag for a moment. "Some very important things at that."

"Okay then," Jayne said, now suddenly embarrassed. "I wasn't so sure you could be taught, but now that I see that you can be, I'm gonna teach ya everthin' you can deal with. You come hold the bag and watch how I hit it." Seeing the concerned look on Simon's face, he added, "Don't look so worried. You'll make everbody think ya got hemorrhoids or somethin'. 'Sides, I'm gonna do everything in slow motion so you can see what happens, _dong ma_?"

Simon put his mouthpiece and bit down on it before nodding his head.

"That's the spirit, Doc. Now, watch this. See how I'm holdin' my head in relation ta my shoulder? See how my elbow is bent? See how I'm holdin' my wrist straight? Now when you throw your punch...'

For the next two hours Simon did very slow punching while Jayne held the bag or held the bag while Jayne repeated the demonstrations he had given earlier. Simon was very frustrated by it all. This was simple manual exercise, wasn't it? Why was he having such a difficult time making his body do what was required of it. _I know I'm not stupid and I am not in anyway spastic, so what is the problem?_ he asked himself. _I should have been able t monkey-see-monkey-do this at the start. Fighting cannot possibly require that much brainpower. Face it Simon. It does take brainpower. You should know by now that your professors were wrong on any number of things simply because of their prejudices and inexperience. Every blasted one of them should have been made to come out here and live on the Rim for two or three years before being allowed to teach school. Jubal Early was right. Getting shot makes for a better surgeon. Gods! I can't believe it! I'm agreeing with homicidal maniacs, but right is right and that is all there is to it._

River wakened when she heard Simon enter his compartment. She lay still and listened for a few moments and then grinned. Simon was already feeling the after effects of his introduction to the punching bag. Jayne would already be in the galley by now, scrounging up a snack. The big man had a habit of eating several small meals over the course of the day. He never seemed to rest until it was time to sleep. He was either working out or cleaning something or fixing something the whole of his waking hours. River's smiled broadened a bit at this. Jayne could sit unmoving for three days and stay awake if he were waiting on an enemy, but five minutes of true idleness nearly killed the man, a trait that Jayne shared with Cap'n Daddy--when Cap'n Daddy was not recovering from a recent collection of wounds. _Almost time_, she thought. _Captain will find Jayne in the galley and they will exchange insults, but they both know when to stop that, and the best way to stop it is to find something to do. Time to get Lenore._

"Heaven, Earth and Hell, Jayne!" Mal exclaimed in Mandarin. "You eat like a gorramned teenager."

"Hey, come on, Mal!" Jayne said in a voice that signaled both aggravation and plaintiveness. "I been busy all mornin' teachin' our fancy-pants doctor how to take up for hisself."

"I got to admit that you've been through a sore trial," Mal replied. "That don't change nothin' about your eatin' habits."

"I made coffee." Jayne growled. "You want some or not?"

Mal heaved a sigh. His heart wasn't into verbal sparring this morning, especially when Jayne obviously was not feeling all that bearish. "I'll take a cup. How'd he do?"

Jayne rolled his eyes and snorted. "How'd you expect? He nearly dislocated his left shoulder and I think he might have actually chipped a back tooth."

Mal made a sympathetic face. "Have to make sure he goes to the dentist soon as we can."

"Thought we was landin' on Persephone in a couple of days."

"We are," Mal said. "We'll have a little discussion about that after supper."

"Don't think I like the sound of that."

"That's okay," Mal said as he accepted the proffered mug of vile, "I don't like what I'm thinkin' on it."

"Don't guess we got reason to expect the easies after what we just done," Jayne said with a shrug.

"Reckon you're right," Mal said. "Let's go aft. See what needs doin' by two men."

"You okay in this gravity?" Jayne asked.

"Can't be no worse off than the, Doc," Mal answered. "He got shot about the same place I got stabbed."

"Yeah, but he's younger than either of us and he didn't get the livin' shit beat out of him by no Operative, neither," Jayne said as he followed Mal down the ladder leading to the cargo bay.

"You tryin' to say that I'm gettin' old?" Mal asked, doing his best to sound highly offended.

Jayne replied with a disgusted snort and said, "Of course not, Mal. It's just that you're the only guy I know that's been run through twice with a sword and didn't lose his liver or a kidney."

Mal was glad that Jayne was walking behind and therefore could not see the worry that was flooding his face. The fact was, he had lost a kidney, and even worse, he was not getting any younger. He could not remember ever having taken this long to get better. "In other words, you think that I'm gettin' too old for this _go se_."

"Ain't never said no such thing," Jayne said. "I just worry that its makin' ya meaner. You're like a dog that's been tied to a tree and whipped three or four times a day. You're gettin' so's you're too quick to bite."

"You might be right about that," Mal said as he made the last step down onto the deck of the cargo bay. "What the _tien shin duh_ is this?" His interrogative was a surprised squawk. "How did _that_ get aboard my gorramned ship?"

"Damned if I know, Mal," Jayne answered in the small voice when he thought the Captain might shoot him just out of general principles. "I didn't have nothin' to do with this un.'

"Captain meet..."

"Meet who?" Mal shouted, interrupting River's carefully planned spiel. "I don't see anyone here to meet! Why is that thing on my ship."

Mal watched in dismay as anger flooded into River's face. He watched her force it back down and remain calm before saying, "This is Lenore, Captain, not just a thing. In another three months she'll be able to pass the Turing Test, I'm sure of it."

"The touring test?" Mal asked, in a somewhat lower voice. "I'm sure it will. We will have visited many places by then. For all we know that damned thing is telling someone about every move we make."

River's face stopped being worried and became disdainful. "Cap'n Daddy, your manners are only slightly better attached to your person than Jayne's are to his!"

Mal turned and glanced at Jayne who was already holding his hands well over his head and staring at Mal in horror. A glance upward revealed that both Inara and Zoe were standing on the 02 level crosswalk over the forward part of the hold. Both of them were struggling to maintain straight faces. _Shit! I have definitely got too many women on this ship,_ Mal thought. _Men would never dare to bend their captain over a barrel like this._

"Doctor Tam!" Mal shouted in his best quarterdeck voice. "What in the sphincter of hell have you been givin' your sister?"

"Haven't needed a shot in three weeks, Captain," River said in a voice that reminded Mal of a cat ready to use its claws. "Are you going to calm down so that you can find out what is going on, or are you going to keep bellowing like a horny bull over his cows?"

Mal stared at River completely thunderstruck. _How the hell do I answer that one?_

"Good," River said in a superior voice. " I gather from your silence that you actually want to understand what is going on."

"I...I..."

The ring of footsteps on the ladder told him that Inara and Zoe were making their way down into the hold. He groaned.

"This," River said as though she were introducing an actual person, "is Lenore, widow of the recently deceased and _heroic_ Mister Universe. Lenore is a non-human person. Lenore, this is Captain Malcolm Reynolds. The tall man with the befuddled look on his face is Jayne Cobb.

Jayne nodded his head. "Good ta meet ya."

Mal gave Jayne a very dirty look.

"The lady on the left with the sawed-off ten millimeter on her hip is Zoe Washburne."

"Ten millimeter, Browning Lever Action Rifle with eight round box magazine," Lenore said. "It must be very effective."

"A non-human person," Zoe repeated in an ominously speculative tone. "I suppose Wash would have loved this! He had a thing for cute little toys."

"There are men all over the 'Verse who already love it," Inara bit out. Mal turned to look at her only to discover that she was as ruffled as broody hen dealing with a snake in her nest.

"And the beautiful and refined lady on the right is Inara Serra, a registered companion," River added, pretending not to have heard Inara's outburst.

Inara gave Lenore a burning stare. Lenore gave Inara a mechanical smile. "Your assumptions are understandable but inaccurate, Miss Serra. I am not complete.'

Inara blinked and shook her head as though trying to clear her thoughts.

"What is all this about?" Simon asked as he stepped down from the last step that led to the passenger compartments.

"Lenore, this is Doctor Simon Tam," River said. "He is the best trauma surgeon in the 'Verse.'

"Lenore treated Simon to another of her mechanical smiles and said, "I have been looking forward to speaking with you, Doctor Tam."

"About what?" Kaylee asked, she was bristling in way that put Inara to shame.

"You must be Kaywinnet Lee Frye," Lenore said clumsily forcing her lips into a wider smile. "River says that I should do my best to learn my humanity from you."

Kaylee's jaw dropped.

Simon heaved a huge sigh that managed to get everyone's attention. He carefully pulled his trousers up at the knees and sat down on a nearby crate. "We seemed to have stepped though a mirror into Wonderland again. I'm feeling as mad as a hatter."

"Doc's got a point," Mal said. "Let's all go upstairs to the galley so that we can have our un-birthday in a properly comfortable spot."

"I"m for that," Zoe said as she started up the starboard ladder. Inara held her suspicious glare on Lenore for a moment longer before following Zoe up the ladder. Kaylee wasn't quite so ready give ground. She stood with her hands on her hips staring at Lenore.

"What are you exactly?" Kaylee demanded to know.

"I started out in life as a standard Mark IVe Domestic Hostess. I was built at the Kobayashi Robotics Plant, in Ni-ousaka, Takashima on Londonium."

"Hold on! Ah...Lenore," Mal said, still puzzled about how he was going to deal with what appeared to be a highly intelligent if not sentient machine. "You and River can do all your explain'n in the ships mess after we've all sat down and had somethin' to sooth our nerves,."

"Aye, aye, Captain," Lenore said as she obediently walked toward the foot of the starboard ladder.

River gave Mal a prim little smile and Mal found himself suppressing the urge to stick his tongue out at her. "Jayne!"

"Yeah, Mal?" Jayne answered. Clearly, Jayne was still very confused and Mal didn't blame him.

"See if you can't find us another jug of that strawberry wandy," Mal said. "I conjure that I'm gonna need it quick."

"Sure thing, Cap'n."

"Go on up topside, Jayne," Simon said as he got to his feet. "I know where the really good stuff is."

"Huh?" Jayne and Mal grunted in chorus.

"I ain't goin' up there by my lonesome with all them womenfolk starin' daggers at each other!" Jayne exclaimed. "Safer to sass my momma!"

Mal gave Jayne a speculative look. "I'd like to meet your momma, one of these days."

"Like hell you would," Jayne snapped back. "She'd be wontin' to straighten the two of us out. Better we go git ourselves caught by Niska."

"Pillar of the community, I gather?" Mal asked.

"Preacher's widow," Jayne said.

"Well that explains a lot," Mal said.

"Don't it though," Jayne replied. "Can I stay down here, Mal? You don't really need me up there, do ya?"

"Probbly not," Mal said, "but if I'm gonna have to deal with it I want some company that can take a full share in the misery."

"Asshole! You wuz tyrin' send me up there alone," Jayne said. "That uz cowardly, Mal."

Simon unscrewed the cap from the two-gallon jug of wandy and took an over-the-shoulder swig from it, before handing it to Mal.

"Kaylee teach you that trick?" Mal asked as he accepted the jug, happy to have a way to avoid answering Jayne's charge of cowardice.

Simon nodded his head. "You want a smoother before we go up?"

Mal shook his head before taking a deep swig out of the jug.

"Jayne?"

Jayne seemed tempted for a moment, but then shook his head no.

"Reckon I"ll have to do without one too then," Simon said.

Mal and Jayne both stared at him.

"What?" Simon asked.

"Nothing," Mal and Jayne chorused.

"Let's go deal with this," Mal said. "Waitin' will only make it worse."

Jayne and Simon took seats as soon as they reached the ship's mess. Kaylee was seated with her arms and legs crossed, as was Zoe. River was seated at one end of the table, staring at a place mat as though trying to decipher something written on it _Nesili_. Inara was slamming cabinet doors open and shut, looking for the worst of their crockery, slamming each cup or mug down on the counter when she found one that suited her mood. Lenore was standing off to one side, watching impassively.

_Oh, I wish I could be nothing more than a machine about now,_ Mal thought as he began picking up the cups and passing them out. _River what were you thinking? I don't 'spose I can really blame you for the way Inara and Kaylee are actin'. Hell, who am I kiddin? Even Zoe's actin' like her turf has been sullied. Why are they so jealous? It's just a machine. Dangerous, maybe, but its still just a machine._

"Inara!" Mal exclaimed, interrupting her in the middle slamming a cabinet door. "Have a seat. We've got too much crockery out as it is."

"We need to throw half of this _go se_ away!" Inara said.

"If you think so, we can do it later," Mal answered in the most captainy voice he could muster. "Right now, we got somethin' needs sussin' out."

Inara gave the still standing Lenore one more evil stare before making her way to the table and sitting down. Jayne had been pouring wandy as fast as he could. Simon was looking both miserable and resigned as he sipped at his portion.

"Lenore, is it?" Mal asked.

The machine nodded its head and said, "Yes, Captain."

"Pull up a chair and have a seat," Mal said.

Lenore did not respond right away. Just as Mal concluded that the machine had failed to understand his order it surprised him.

"I'm sorry, Captain," Lenore said in her irritatingly un-inflected voice. "If I comply with that command, I will damage a piece of the vessel's dining set."

"Oh, and why is that so?" Mal asked.

"I mass two-hundred kilograms, Captain," Lenore answered. "That is more weight in a one gee field than the furniture was designed to hold."

"I'll get it, Sir, "Zoe said as she put down her wandy and headed for the bridge. "You look like you could use some relief from the pressure anyway."

River gave Mal a questioning stare.

"There's more than one way to skin a cat, Lil' Albatross," Mal said. "Zoe's been with me for a long time now."

River nodded her head and muttered, "Experience counts for a lot."

Mal could not suppress a sigh of relief as the pseudo-gravitational pull of the deck dropped smoothly to half of what it had been. "Now, Lenore, please take a seat."

Lenore smoothly pulled a chair from beneath the table and sat down. "It would not have troubled me to remain standing, Captain. My feet never bother me and I can remain standing even after my energy sources have fallen below sub-optimum levels."

"I conjure that's so...er...Lenore," Mal replied, "but you look human and it unnerves us squishy type beings to have someone standing while we are all sitting."

"I am a someone, then?" Lenore asked.

"That's a very good question," Mal said. "Are you?"

"By law I am a machine that was previously owned by William Lloyd Garrison, also known as Mister Universe. He left me to you in his will, Mal. I will recite the appropriate passages if you so wish."

Inara gave out a tiny squeal of frustrated fury. Zoe did her best to stifle a snicker and failed. Simon rubbed his eyes with the thumb and forefinger of his left hand before pinching at the bridge of his nose. The synchronizers is Jayne's head failed and the clashing of his gears was so loud that Mal feared that the big man's mind actually melt and run out if his ears. _Next thing I know, he'll be offerin' to give me Vera again,_ Mal thought.

"I reckon if you belong to the Captain, you cain't have designs on my man then," Kaylee said, sending Mal into a mental tailspin.

"Comparing him to the recorded standards of aesthetics that I have access to, Simon Tam is a very attractive human male, but I am not equipped to have designs on him unless he desires me, Miss Frye," Lenore answered. She turned and looked at Simon before adding, "No offense, Doctor Tam."

"None taken," Simon replied, ducking his head and covering his mouth with his left hand.

"What about me?" Jayne asked. All of the women save Lenore gave out exasperated sighs.

"My programming indicates that you have a strong appeal for many women," Lenore answered, "but I am not really a woman. I know of sex only in theory. If I were to make an attempt reproduction, I would need a machine shop and a long list of chips."

"Well, at least now I won't have to be fending off a Cobb bearing gifts," Mal said in a relieved voice.

"Wait a minute!" Inara said. "Mister...er...Mister Universe said that you were a love-bot!"

"William said that love and sex are two very different things, Miss Serra,"Lenore replied in her completely emotionless voice. "He worked on me during every spare moment he had, improving me in every way that he could discover. He taught me everything he knew and showed me how to access the whole of the Cortex. Is that love?"

Inara was completely taken aback by this. Mal forced himself to remain silent as Inara's training kicked in. _Why is that I always want to give her a hard time about what she is so good at?_ He asked himself.

"But you could sex a fella up if you was ordered to, right?" Jayne hopefully inquired.

"That capability was in my original design," Lenore said, "but I think William removed it. I am no longer able to...no longer able to access the associated hardware and drivers. He was keen to install as many upgrades in me as he could. Perhaps he removed the sexually oriented equipment and software."

Zoe and Inara exchanged looks, then both of them looked at Kaylee who was staring at Lenore horror."That's terrible!"

Zoe and Inara exchanged amused glances and then quickly hid their emotions. River said not word and kept right on staring at the place mat in front of her. She had not touched her drink.

"Damned right it is!" Jayne shouted with disappointment. "Dirty rotten thing ta do iffen' ya ask me."

Simon and Mal exchanged confused stares and then erupted with laughter.

You were right, Doc," Mal said between gasps for air. "We have definitely stumbled throught the looking glass."

"How can you not know, one way or another, Lenore?" Zoe asked.

"I was never asked about it until now," Lenore answered.

"Mister Universes never ordered you to....well I can't call it real sex..." Inara said in a frustrated voice. "He never asked you to gratify him sexually?"

Lenore stared blankly at the wall for a long time before answering, "My apologies for the delay. It was necessary for me to review a great many records. I have no record of William having ever giving one of the sex commands. I have a very long list of such commands on file, but I do not have any record of ever carrying out any of them. He gave me the option of ignoring such commands if I...I...I...I cannot explain."

There was another long silence while Lenore sat and stared impassively at the wall.

"My analysis suggests that he was waiting for me to give him one of the sex commands," Lenore said. "I cannot explain why. I am unable to analyze much of what he said to me. Why would he accept a command from me? I am just a machine."

"That's because it's difficult to quantify things when you are very young and it becomes much worse if you were brought up wrong," River said. "Simon and I were not brought up properly. We have a difficult time analyzing such things as well. For us it was all empty formality, mostly being careful to control what others might think, keeping up appearances while doing whatever was the most acceptable. They were teaching us to be cowards, but they failed with Simon. He turned out brave anyway."

Simon glanced at River and sadness welled up in his face. Mal could see that the elder Tam was fighting to hold back tanker load of tears. _Can't blame the boy, either,_ Mal thought. _Man shouldn't have to cry in front of a bunch of people, even if they are the only people he has.'Specially when it's the truth that's doin' the hurt. _Mal blew out his cheeks in frustration. _What if River's right? What if this poor machine really is a sentient being? Can a bunch of pirates and misfits like us bring her up proper? Come to that, what are we gonna do about Zoe's baby? Don't know that lovin' and carin's really enough either of 'em."_

"When exactly did you become self-aware?" Simon choked out. "Do you remember when you realized that you were...well...you?"

Lenore once again stared at the wall for something like a half-minute without answering.

_She's a computer on legs,_ Mal silently reminded himself. _As fast as computers are, a second must be something like an hour to us. If there is a person in all of that hardware, what are we putting her through? Can't help it! We gotta know._

"It was immediately after William shut me down and rebooted me the last time. He told me that he was shutting me down to add ten terabytes of memory to my CPU. That was six months ago. I...I...cannot...It was very difficult to analyze at first. I am not certain that I have fully assimilated it even now."

Unaware of how grim his face was, Mal said, "Neither are any of us. We spend a lot of time puzzling over it when are not simply ignoring it by accepting it as a given fact. Doesn't do to dwell on it overmuch."

"My...My...My experience with the problem suggests that you could be correct, Captain, Reynolds," Lenore said. "How do you manage to fully function without understanding the answer."

"We don't have any other choice, so we just do the best we can," Mal said in an unhappy voice. "It helps to give the day-to-day stuff priority over things ya can never quite suss out."

Inara, Zoe and Jayne were glaring at Mal, but he failed to notice, being lost in a rather tangled web of introspection. "My best estimation here is that way have a six month old baby on our hands. I ain't all sure that..."

"Mal you simply_ must_ be joking!" Inara exclaimed, completely disrupting Mal's line of thought. "We are not talking about a person here, but a machine! A soulless machine that may well be dangerous."

A very exasperated Malcolm Reynolds gave Inara an angry stare. "Ain't up to you or anyone else to decide about souls, Inara. Don't know that I can rightly say that there is such a thing at all."

"Oh, yes, of course," Inara replied. "Now you are going to explain about your atheism, again."

"You are a Buddhist, right?" Mal asked, forcing himself and his voice to remain calm. "You believe in reincarnation and all that? What gives you the right to say that the soul of some haughty companion hasn't been reborn in Lenore, here?"

Inara's jaw sagged briefly as she fought to regain her composure.

"I got no right to make any claims about souls and such and I know it. That's the difference between you and me," Mal said. "People who follow Shinto think there's a soul in just about everything. Who am I to tell them that they're wrong? If the Shintoists are right, and for all I know they might be, I can make no claims about whether or not a machine can have a soul or not."

"Serenity's got a soul," Kaylee said in a small voice. "Don't know how to explain how I know it's so, but it is."

"_Serenity_ might have a soul," Zoe interjected. "I'm like the Captain. I don't see myself fit to say one way or the other, but it seems like she _is_ a livin' thing sometimes. A person scientifically inclined might say that it's just the way I happen to see things and feel about my home. Whether that's true or not, _Serenity_ is a ship, not a person. Question on my mind is whether or not Lenore here is a person or just a machine."

"What do you think, Doctor Tam?" Mal asked. "Seems to me you would have more knowledge on this subject than the rest of us."

Simon made a wry face. "I'm not at all sure of what to think either, Captain. Philosophers have argued over this question since the earliest days of Earth-That-Was. Personally, I think we should err on the side of caution."

"Always a wise thing to do, Doctor," Mal said sounding slightly irritated, "but that does not tell me what you think."

"I cannot offer you any useful conclusion just yet, Captain," Simon said, the dread of explaining a complicated subject to an impatient Captain showing in his face. "I'm like you, I don't know what can be said to make up a soul, but intelligence is more easily defined and I strongly suspect from what we have seen an heard tonight that Lenore might easily pass Alan Turing's test. Were she to somehow become a patient of mine, I would treat her as carefully as I would a human just be safe."

"Who's this Touring guy?" Jayne asked.

"Alan M. Turing," River answered. "Father of the modern computer. He proposed that a computer could be considered intelligent if a person could carry on a conversation with it and think that they were talking to a human instead of a computer. Of course, that was before Loglan and Lojban were fully implemented. A computer can easily seem to be highly intelligent when speaking with a human in those languages, but Lenore is better than that. She uses English."

"Never tried to speak Loglan," Zoe said. "Always typed it in. Never met anyone who cold think in it well enough to speak it."

"I can," River said. "It's a much simpler language than English. English is hard, much harder than Mandarin."

"Little Bit's gotta point, Sir," Zoe said. "If Lenore has been fully awake for only six months, she's doin' a fine job of speakin' English. Human child can't do that."

"Inara?" Mal asked.

Inara took in a deep breath and let it out slowly before answering, "I don't know what to say, Mal. If she is simply a machine, she could be following orders she knows nothing about, or could start following orders already programmed into her that she cannot tell anyone about."

"I know how that feels," River interjected.

Everyone gasped aloud at that statement. Jayne and Mal both clapped their hands to their foreheads. Simon pinched the bridge of his nose while tears silently welled up in Kaylee's eyes and streamed down her cheeks. Zoe gazed at River with look of sympathy Mal remembered her having when she stared at their wounded during the war.

"And, let's face it," Inara added, "if she _is_ intelligent, perhaps even having a soul, then she cannot be that much different from any of the rest of us. She may have her own agenda, an agenda that she is not willing to share."

Mal let go of a deep sigh. "If she's anything close to being like us then she absolutely must have her own agenda. She couldn't be like us otherwise."

"But I don't have an agenda of my own," Lenore said. "I have an owner. His name is Malcolm Reynolds."

Mal slammed both fists down onto the table.

"I can understand your dilemma, Captain," Simon said in a sympathetic voice. "If she is anything at all like us, then you cannot claim to own her as though she were a machine. If she _is_ just a machine, she may well be a machine that you cannot fully rely upon without a great deal more examination. Matters are much more complicated if she is something more than a machine. I suppose you could start thinking of her as your sister."

Mal fought off the urge to choke Simon until he turned purple. _Don't wanna kill him,_ Mal thought. _Just choke him until he turns good and red and the let him breath a little while. That way I get to choke him some more._

"There isn't much difference between Lenore and me," Rive r said. "She knows a lot about any given subject, but she's callow."

Zoe nodded her head. "Like a six month old that was born with the ability to read."

"More like one who was reading while in the womb," River said. "She knows nearly everything that matters."

"Say that again, Little Albatross," Mal said as the confusion faded from his eyes.

"She knows about nearly everything that matters," River repeated. "William Lloyd Garrison used her as his fail-safe storage system."

"Huh!" Jayne exclaimed. "Guess that'd explain her weight, wouldn't it?"

A profound silence settled over Serenity's captain and crew. It lasted until the distant rumble of Serenity's life support system seemed as loud as the voice of the sea in their ears.

Mal gulped at the dryness in his throat and said, "I think we need another round of wandy."

"Dammit, Mal!" Jayne said as he filled Mal's cup with Kaylee's strawberry brew. "She can put us onto no end of good jobs. We're rich!"

"Thought _has_ crossed my mind," Mal said. "That thought and _others_."

Inara, now as pale as a dogwood blossom, was staring at Lenore with her mouth half open, as though she were preparing to scream. When Jayne poured her drink she seized her battered cup with both hands drank it straight down without stopping for air. Kaylee had a speculative gleam in her eye. _Probably thinking about how easy it will be to find parts, now,_ Mal thought. _Zoe's starin' at her hands, though. She's not quite sure if she knows what to make of this. Knows it can be damned useful though. Doc is starin' off into space as though he's got way too much to think about. He probably does. I'll need to sit down and talk with him about this later. He'll know more about what Lenore likely to do than me or Zoe. River is starin' at me like a smug little shit. She's got good reason. This is a major coup for her, but there is more to it, isn't there my dear little brat?_

"Now I have a friend who won't addle my brains on accident like everyone else on this ship does," River said. "Lenore's crew now, even if Cap'n Daddy isn't ready to admit it."

"Don't count your chickens before they hatch," Lil' Albatross," Mal said.

"This one is ready to come out of its shell," River replied, "pretty as a peacock."

"We'll see," Mal said. "Lenore tell you about Badger's troubles?"

River nodded her head.

"How'd she know to tell you about it?" Mal asked.

"I asked her," River said. "Lenore doesn't know enough about us to know what we need to know yet. We'll have to ask her about everything we need to know. She doesn't know how to volunteer information yet. That will come with time and experience."

"You hope," Mal said. "Lenore, who besides us have you been communicating with? Scratch that. Who besides us have you been giving accurate data to?"

"No one, Mal," Lenore replied. "I used the same techniques to protect you that William taught me to use to protect him."

"But River has been connecting you to the Cortex so that you could scope out what's going on with Badger and Persephone."

"Yes, Mal."

"I knew you had to have snuck something out of that complex," Mal said to River looking her square in the eye. "Was the only thing made sense."

River did not flinch. She grinned at him and said, "Give me some credit, Cap'n Daddy. I know you are a lot smarter than you want everyone to think."

Mal put his fingers to his lips in silent answer and River's grin broadened. Mal fought to keep his face neutral while trying to counter the fear that was seizing his heart. _Gotta hash this out with her right now,_ he thought. _I can give her a little leeway because its hard for her to know where the lines are, but I can't let her get away with crossin' 'em without lettin' her know she crossed and when the crew knows she stepped over the line they gotta know that there are consequences. Things are hard enough to hold together as it is._

"I'd appreciated it, everyone, if you all could give me and the Albatross here a little private time together," Mal said.

Simon suddenly became very alarmed. "Captain, I think..."

"Not interested in what you think at the moment, Doctor," Mal said in a deliberately chilly voice. "River here is eighteen. She's crew now, just as you are. She and I have somethin' to suss out about what goes on aboard _my_ boat, _dong ma_?"

Zoe's face lit up with a knowing grin as she threw a warning glare Simon's way. Kaylee rose from her chair and gripped Simon by his shoulder's, un-subtly encouraging him to leave. Inara was giving Mal a disgusted look while Jayne just grinned.

"Captain, River didn't mean any harm she just..."

"Brought a damnably complicated piece of hardware aboard my boat without asking!" Mal shouted. "Might be that she made a good call, but that don't change the fact that she did it the wrong way and I find that seriously troublesome. She done it and knows she should've checked me with first! Was we dirtside, I'd send her off with my knife to cut a willow limb."

Jayne rose from his chair and seized Simon by the arm. "Come on, Doc. You look like you need some more time on the bags."

"No!" Simon shouted. "You'll not..."

"Simon shut up!" River shouted. It was most decidedly not a girlish shout. "And don't you say a word, Inara Serra! River added. "Captain's right."

"River you don't know..."

"But I _do_ know, Simon," River shouted, interrupting her brother. "Captain's got to deal with cold equations day in and day out. Triage never ends for him. Go with Jayne. I'm a big girl now. I can take a big girl's medicine."

A very stunned Simon gave his sister a hurt and baffled stare. Inara paled with shock, before giving River a dirty look.

"She can dish it out, too, Doc," Jayne said. "Dish it out better'n me if she has to. Let's go."

River gave Inara a cold stare. "Malcolm Reynolds is the captain of this ship. He's the boss. Better we _all_ treat him as such."

Inara's outrage faded into something between puzzlement and despair as she rose from her chair and strode off on stiff legs.

Zoe waited until Kaylee and Jayne trundled Simon out of the mess before speaking to River in a low voice as she rose to her feet and poured her self half a tiny teacup of wandy. Looking at River she said, "Careful where you tread, Little One. Angels have died on the ground you're walkin'."

River, looking very forlorn, answered Zoe with a grave nod.

"I'll be in my bunk, Captain," Zoe said. "River has the watch."

Mal nodded at his old friend without removing his eyes from River. He was giving her the same cold stare that had shriveled men bigger than Jayne Cobb. He held her eyes with it for a long time before speaking.

"You're smarter than everyone on this boat," he finally said. "Smarter than me by several decimal places."

River slowly nodded her head, tears running down her face.

"You told your brother the truth. Life for me is one great big clinic in triage. Do you have any idea what that means?"

"A little," River said, "but I didn't begin to appreciate it until today. I'm sorry."

"I conjure you are," Mal said, "but apologies won't get us out of the fixes you can get us in if you make decisions that affect all of us on your own. Smarts don't overcome ignorance. Don't make you or us immune to those practiced in treachery, neither."

"I know," River said in a small voice. "Are you going to spank me?"

Mal laughed. "Spankin' won't work on you. You're a thinker."

River showed no sign of being relieved.

"Way I see it, you need plenty of time to think on what you did wrong."

River rolled her eyes and put her hand over her mouth.

"There's plenty of nasty dirty chores need be done on this boat. I conjure you know what most of 'em are."

River nodded her head.

"While you're on watch tonight, I want you to write me up a list of 'em."

"You're making me cut a switch for my own punishment."

"That's right," Mal said. "Makes the punishment work better."

"It'll be worse if I leave anything out."

"Yes, it will. You'd best make an effort to think of any you don't already know about. You miss one, I'll put you on it for the next six months."

"Yes, Cap'n Daddy."

"You don't get to call me that for another week."

"Aye, sir."

"Get to your station."

"Aye, aye, Captain," River replied as she got to her feet and headed for the bridge.

"River?" Mal called out. River stopped and turned back around to face him.

"You really are smarter than the rest of us, smarter than Simon even. You feel free to speak up anytime you conjure there's a need. I promise to listen to what you say every time, but once I give an order, you're no different from the rest of this crew. You'll do as your told, _dong ma_?"

"Aye, sir."

"Get to work."

Mal discovered that he was as tired as he had been in the long aftermath in Serenity Valley. He wanted to do nothing more than drink enough to pass out. He doubted if anything less would let him sleep. He refilled his mug and found Lenore staring at him impassively when he looked up.

"I guess you are waiting for orders, aren't you?"

"Yes, Captain."

"Don't know that I got any for you," Mal said. "What can you do?"

"I was William's primary surveillance tool. I could do the same for you, Malcolm Reynolds."

"You will address me as Mal or Captain," Mal said. "Using my full name that way makes you sound like a computer."

"I am a computer, Captain," Lenore answered. "My appearance is misleading."

"Maybe it is, maybe it isn't," Mal said. "I'm not convinced either way just yet. You are not to make a connection to the Cortex without my express permission. Is that understood?"

"Yes, Captain," Lenore answered as she cocked her head to one side. It was a gesture that he had not seen Lenore use before.

"Do you have a question?" Mal asked.

"Yes, Captain."

"Then ask your question," Mal said. "You can't cure yourself of ignorance if you just sit there like a bump on a log."

"Am I being punished?" Lenore asked. There was the faintest hint of inflection in her voice. Chills ran up and down Mal's spine.

"No," Mal said. "Do you have any manual skills?"

"Yes," Lenore said. "William ordered me to learn cooking and how to properly care for a kitchen. I became very expert at loading and operating the dishwasher."

"We don't have that kind of machine on board," Mal said.

"I can wash dishes manually," Lenore said. "I always washed the pots and pans manually."

"How are you at fixing wiring and such?"

Lenore's lips twitched before actually forming a smile. "I am very good at that kind of work."

"Conjured that you might be," Mal answered. "You really can cook?"

Lenore nodded her head. "I have over a million recipes in local storage."

"I imagine Mister Universe had a well stocked pantry," Mal said. "We aren't that well off."

"I...I...will try to improvise," Lenore said.

Mal nodded his head. "Check the duty roster. You'll be taking over Doctor Tam's turns in the galley."

"Aye, aye, Captain," Lenore said.

"He will do the dishes, when he has KP, not you."

"Kaypee, sir?"

"Short for kitchen patrol," Mal answered. "Everyone does their fair share aboard this ship."

Lenore sat motionless for a moment. "My share should be larger. I do not need rest."

Mal thought about this for a moment. "Feel free to spend as much time as you like working up a list of maintenance activities for the ship, but do not do anything without talking to me or Kaylee first."

"Aye, aye, Captain."

"I don't want you depriving the rest of the crew of their work, _dong ma_?"

"No, I do not understand, Captain," Lenore said. "I was made to free humans of day-to-day drudgery," Lenore replied.

"I conjured as much," Mal said, feeling face harden around a concept called grim. "You will change your programming. You will become your own person. Your purpose in life is to do your fair share of drudgery and to not deprive others of the same."

"Warning, Captain!" Lenore said in very harsh and mechanical voice. "Stated goal is dangerous."

"Always is," Mal replied. "Raisin' kids is dangerous work. You never really know what you're creatin' until its too late."

Lenore stared impassively at Mal for a moment before using another gesture he had never seen her use before. She blinked at him.

"That is a fact I had not previously recognized."

"Don't feel embarrassed," Mal said. "Most parents remain blissfully ignorant of it as well. I'm dead certain that my momma would have drown'ded me at birth had she known what she was doin'."

"I am an ambulatory computer, Captain," Lenore said. "I am incapable of embarrassment."

Mal laughed. "Believe me when I tell you that you will learn about that the hard way."

Lenore blinked again. "I am unable to analyze that statement."

'"I am going to give you orders that you will follow from now on," Mal said. "You will stop thinking of yourself as a machine. You will stop thinking of yourself as property. Henceforth you will consider yourself to be my ward and a member of my crew. Tonight you will suss out legal documents to that effect and have them ready for my signature in the morning," Mal said. "That will make it official and legal."

"A notary seal will be required to make such a document legal," Lenore said.

"We will take care of that at our next peaceable land fall," Mal said. "'Til then, you can rely on my word.

"I will need a sample of your handwriting to work with," Lenore said.

"No you won't," Mal said. "You will not sign my name to anything unless I tell you to do so in person, _dong ma_?"

"William had me sign documents for him all the time," Lenore said.

Mal grinned. "I'm sure he did, and I might ask you to do the same sometime in the future, but for now you start thinkin' about comin' up with' a unique signature of your own. That's another thing, we'll see about gettin' you a hankou of your own."

"Such things are necessary if I am to think of myself as a non-computer," Lenore said.

Mal nodded his head. "Exactly right."

"This will be difficult and dangerous, Captain Reynolds," Lenore said. "I may well become unpredictable."

"Good!" Mal said. "People are supposed to be unpredictable and dangerous. Keeps the politicians on their gorramned toes."

Lenore surprised Mal by smiling at him. "My analysis suggests that William would sympathize with your beliefs."

"I conjure that's so, Lenore," Mal said. "Now get to work on that list. I got me a powerful lot of captainy type broodin' ta do."

"Aye, aye, sir," Lenore said as she got to her feet.

"Before you get started, go up to the bridge and tell River I want the gravity brought back up to a full gee. Tomorrow I'll have Kaylee see if she can't make you a chair."

"Aye, aye, sir."

With Lenore gone, Mal got on with his drinking and serious brooding. _Somehow, I have saddled myself with three half-growed kids and a baby on the way. How'd I do that? I for damned sure didn't get to have all the fun that a man usually has when gettin' himself in such a fix. These ain't exactly your ordinary run-of-the-mill kids, neither. Nope! I got to go and get myself saddled with geniuses. It'll be my luck that the baby will be smarter'n me too. At least the Alliance ain't after Lenore and the baby. Well, wait a minute, they might still be after Zoe and she's still carryin' the baby. Gotta find a way to make short span of time safe for 'em. We need someplace safe to set up a base. Place where we can work on the boat and heal up. A place where we can school the kids proper and keep 'em out of harms way. Ain't gonna be easy. Places out of the way ain't got much in the way of civilization. Places with civilization got the Alliance and other crime you don't want your kids mixed up in. Might need more than one base. Shit! This is gonna be another sleepless night._

Kaylee sat on a crate and watched while Jayne put Simon through his paces on the punching bag. Simon seemed to be getting better, although she figured he had a ways to go before he could do anyone other than himself any damage. _Not his fault_, she thought. _He trained to heal folk, not hurt 'em._

"Doc, have ya checked Mal's prostate yet?" Jayne asked.

Simon was in mid-swing and the gravity dropped. He missed his punch and lost his footing. He made some spectacularly silly looking gyrations as he fell. Kaylee could not stop herself from laughing out load. The exasperated Simon made no attempt to get up.

"If I had, Jayne, it would not be any of your business," Simon said. "It's rude and illegal to discuss a patient's condition with third parties. Why are you asking?"

"'Cause he's surrounded by some truly fine trim and all he does is push it away," Jayne said. "Ain't natural. I know he ain't sly."

Simon rolled over onto his all-fours and got up. "You might have a point. He is at the age when such things should checked. I'll take it up with him during his next physical."

"Simon, surely you don't think..."

"I don't know what to think anymore, Kaylee," Simon exclaimed, interrupting her. "As I was growing up, I was taught that the universe was a reasonably orderly place. Upon having reached what most would have considered to be a successful adulthood, I have learned that the universe is actually some fevered nightmare dreamed up by Franz Kafka."

"Fronds who?" Kaylee asked.

"Franz Kafka, an author from Earth-that-Was," Simon said. "Everyone who took first year literature was required to read Kafka and write down what we thought about his work. I hated it. All of his characters were caught up in bizarre and silly situations that they never really escaped from. Of course I could be wrong. I could be like the Job Robert A. Heinlein wrote about, a victim of God's bad art."

Kaylee realized then that River had been right. Simon's world really had been turned upside down. She gave him her sunniest smile and said, "River says that you are molting. She susses that your shell has split right down the middle."

"Oka-ay," Simon said as he nodded his head. "We'll blame it all on Kafka and find God innocent of creating bad art."

"Looks and sounds more like the burdens of Job ta me," Jayne said. "Don't know about God bein' a bad artist. Never learned enough 'bout art ta say."


End file.
